"but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth."
1 Cor 13, 4. 8
Those who failed in love
Affective plurality in time of increasing opportunities
This text is not intended to bring advice and much less any judgment, nothing is more anti-messianic
and unbiblical than passing judgment, on the contrary, the proposal is only to show some biblical
points, escaping from manicheisms and little ecclesiastical rules and propose, to the ones who give
permition , some reflection.
As a matter of fact, my wish is that this text may be a tribute to our humanity without self pity, I hope,
and that it gives some hope, which can give any sense to some of our pains.
Only you can give a destiny to your life. Everyone knows how his life has been structured, it is not,
therefore, a matter of evaluation of others or for others, but rather a challenge for you, as you deal with
your history and remake your life from a Word which promises to set a person free and brings an
"abundant" life, with meaning and purpose. One has to overcome determinism without, however,
despising that which constituted us in this wonderful journey and construction of the soul which is
Yes, there is and there will always be a word of comfort, forgiveness and encouragement, if you are
daring in your arguments with the Eternal and simple and humble to let His "logic" follows His course.
Being ready to repentance and renewal.
This subject has been a challenge and a great embarrassment to the church, either by exclusion, or by
"tolerance", a double and perverse form of not allowing the confrontation and healing.
There is not, at the church counter, anything very helpful to people, simply because the marketing
issues on the one hand, affective locks, on the other does not allow the spiritual growth
Be prepared for the worst
The church has been approaching this issue, only recently and cleverly, in a bureaucratic way, but...
There is nothing bureaucratic in the word. The existing rules are different from the way we understand
them. They are not rules to annoy or to put us on collision against God, to guarantee us certain and
merciless punishment, or meaningless requirements.
The Word is not easy, but definetely not inhuman.
The rules for love, sex, marriage are not, in the Word, necessarily the same we commonly understand.
There was a reductionism, perhaps to be easily disseminated and required, however, this
simplification only made it harder, won in scale but definitely lost in quality. The years have imposed a
crushing social control, which brought in its womb the seed of liberation, or better ... The social rigors
just gave birth to the alibis to justify the old trends, that is, the social behavior only allowed to postpone
behaviours up to a relative adjusted level(1).
All these things are not without something positive, like relative family organization over the two
thousand years (2) and an elevation of the human condition.But even with these achievements, they
are away from the Word and accumulated countless tears.
Misunderstandings have matured and now we are all adrift. If a bigger defense and affective freedom
was won, on the other hand, our destiny is the fragmentation of human relations, a level of mutual
respect that having the intention of preserving the individual soul, alienates, and at last hurts us
A world of possibilities, but without any criteria of effective self-control. A world that won the forbidden,
but knows nothing about the true nature of freedom. An unrealistic construction of happiness is in total
activity and we, just bricks of a building without foundations, just waiting for the new bricks, placed
upon us, one floor after another, bearing the weight necessary to collapse.
So, this is not just a matter of bureaucracy, of having a role(4)
Nor it is a matter of having only one marriage (5), things are somewhat more complicated, lying down
together is a marriage, as is being just a body, that is irrevocable and its consequences far beyond
And there is no time to change things, because as it has been said here at the Ńtrio, time is
something that does not exist for the spirit. No matter if the relationship is in the ende or if the many
years seem to have frozen feelings and banished to an imaginary country all the affection that existed
and there is only the discomfort of an explanation that never came. In the end, a sea of frustrations, of
waiting, suppressed thoughts that seem to be literal.
And if this sounds moralistic, and believe it, it is not. I also say that it is not just a matter of getting extra
marital sexual relations, but also considering the secrets of the heart, and yet, even if no passion or
love, the very dissatisfaction is a latent state of adultery. Although the consequences are (very)
different, the core is the same and acts equally perverse and against the foundation of love.
Well, from this premise, are we all condemned? Yes, in a sense, yes, we all seek, and we all are lost,
lost in order to find something that is not found, despite being written in us as a map and an appeal to
our desired destination.
Fall in love, but donít sin
As an example of how we tend to reduce the Word, we can quote the verse, "Be angry but do not sin ",
and the meaning is not "look you can occasionally be angry, and if this happens, do not sin, okay?".
No, this text is mandatory and should be read thus: "Be angry, because there are many reasons for
this unjust world and you are (or should be) the agents of the transformation that I want to see
operating in this world, but do not do so through perverse ways, as offense, violence and arrogance,
"which are commonly, but not necessarily, associated with anger.
And not just an example of reduction, this verse is useful to propose a way to deal with words with
Is There anything wrong about loving? Is there anything forbidden? No, certainly not, nothing is more
exhorted in the Bible. Everything that is there is regard to this issue. Whether it is in the divine
invitation, in forgiveness that He gives, in the care of the appearance of harshness, all was written to
reflect something that is essential in our horizontal relationship between humans and the vertical
relationship with the Creator.
God exorts that you love and love a lot all the time and intensively.
A key, a memory, a sense, an element without which we fail terribly as human and spiritual beings that
we are or should be. Being our biggest ambition, it becomes almost like a curse, a terror and an
Where does this inversion come from? Yeshua gives the answer, "get apart of the yeast of the
Pharisees."Does Yeshua speak about hypocrisy? Not totally. The hypocrisy is just the (construction)
the verbal manifestation of our error, like the measure of temperature of our disease. This yeast is a
lie, our inclination to believe in fantasies, in easy and fast ways. And after believing in the lie, we
become slaves of this lie, where our "best" option to support being what we donít want to be, is to
establish this foundation in the sand. We are slaves of shame.
Thus, since the pure receives the smallest proportion of corruption, we have this amalgam, where flour
and yeast produce their fruits, we are more or less fed, more or less intoxicated, some starving, others
die intoxicated, some quickly, others ...
So it's not a matter of removing the bread with yeast, but reducing, as much as possible, the yeast, so
that you have life.
So it's kind of inevitable to be constantly in love, it is even desirable, because the passion shows us
what is out, it is our projection to the other in both directions, the other as a projection of ourselves,
because the passion always reveals some jealous, and possibilities and sharing (the best that can be
ours and the best that can be which is in heaven). As yet, it projects us to the existence of the other, it
makes that the heaven can be rescued, not only by the excellence of the other, but also by the
existence of the other.
God allows us to see a piece of heaven, not to take it from us later and, finally to laugh,
To avoid us to take the heaven improperly, He made us unable to reach it. In this inability we hurt the
one who became his representation, which is not His wish either (Iíve been told that everybody use the
affection as a way to hurt the other, the others - including the unwary - or himself with the intention,
finally to hurt God).
If He gave us such revelation, that was in order that His perfect will could be know, in order that we
could take care of the other, as a reminder reference, this piece is and will always be for the ones who
knew him. This is our heritabe and invitation.
So, passion is the first level, a vision of possibilities, itís love which will do the dirty job, that will make
the long journey to real heaven, which permits the transformation of that which is small and imperfect
which is our destiny and reminder.
Thatís when the problems begin. Love seems to be something far away from heaven when all the job
is realized. And how frightening this job is.
If thatís so, there is nothing wrong in passion, the person who falls in love, probably has the gift of
realizing heaven and this gift is directly proportional to the easiness of the delivery ( the one who
sinned more was forgiven, because where sin abundanded, the grace super abundanded(6).
But love without the long and heavy mastering of love is nothing. It is like a person who wants to make
a car without the engine moving the pointer of the speedometer.
Love is not a feeling, but an act of will. Itís a decision of the soul in going on believing, of moving the
heaven, of making a choice to know if the cat is alive or dead inside SchrŲdingerís box. And,
however, and tragically, people give up of that which is more precious, for if you wish the goodness
without practing the goodness, you wish heaven in a free way, better saying, furtive way.
The one who loves doesnít expect anything from the other. It is a one way street, a decision based on
the heart and on the word, insisting, love is not a feeling and no way it implies in rewards or
gratifications. Love does not resent the neglect or contempt of another. Thatís when it is more
necessary, it searched for the happiness of the other, in any situation, absent, far, with a third person,
without contact, without an answer, under hate or contemp, without absolutely nothing that justifies the
The one who loves thinks about goodness, never about evil!
The other exists in the potenciallity and in the gladness of the other(7), a praise to the otherís Creator,
The one who loved saw the goodness of the Lord, which will not be denied, unless he gives up this.
Heíll be grateful for the time it lasted. He will keep the goodness of the Lord, for in this the triumph of
life over death resists.
For if there is something good in this world, it will be really good only if it is eternal.
You can channel the required love in two ways, the most "popular" is the satisfaction of desire, a
promise of immediate paradise, so in the fulfillment of desire you have the will drained with a ruptured
tank, a discharge of nullity. A little of yeast leavens the whole lump, that is, the one who is custodian of
much flour, able to satisfy the hunger of many, intoxicate them all.
From the unique pragmatism Bible standpoint , the appeal for sex is for the pregnancy of life, children
of the flesh, or for its sublimation, spiritual children (9).
Yeshua knew the full meaning of this condition, he himself was "called" to the enjoyment of this world,
but on the other, Ele saw something wonderful and we have to figure it out alone. The only thing he
allowed to drain was His own blood, and from this, many children.
Finally, didnít you go wrong? Was it the other that went wrong? But the one who loves, loves as it must
be, not seeking his own good, but the otherís, the one who loves does not envy, jealousy must be like
Godís jealousy who is jealous of care, caring, protective, the jealous of God is not that which wants for
himself, but that fears that something bad may happen to his loved one..
So if you have not committed adultery, have no secrets in the heart, and are not even dissatisfied, but
have possessive or moralist jealousy, you're so worse than the others, for in this case, you love only
yourself and this is the worst of indifferences.
Selfishness is to adultery as well as alcohol is to drugs, it is chronic and insidiously tolerated.
We are afraid, we can say that we are children of fear and where there is fear there is no love. Fear of
suffering, fear of being despised; fear of not being more happy than we could, fear, therefore, of losing
a race that should never have begun, fear of loneliness, fear of being revealed in feeling, fear of being
ridiculated by others in this network of patrols which we have wove with competence; fear of
expressing ourselves, of knowing whether we are loved or not , fear of being reproved, fear that our
weakeness can be revealed by the others, in whom we donít trust, forgetting or ignoring that our
weakeness is the best of us, in that which we are more human, in this conflict which is the core of love,
a beatiful paradox to be resolved, but, unfortunately, always avoided.
Fear of being stolen, when we should never fear the theft, but fear of the transformation of the loved
one in a thief. Our defense should be in favor of another and not in our own interest.
Finally, endless fearÖ And therefore, we forget the simple, ďthe perfect love casts out fearĒ (10). There
is no fear in love.
The romantic love is our golden cage.
But, after all, who invented this just romantic love? It seems almost fatalism; we are doomed to wait for
the completion of romantic love. I venture to say that romantic love is a late and woman invention,
latent throughout human civilization.
But, letís talk about obligation
The Bible is a calling to men, not women. Let us tell you a male secret, itís up to us to want. We have
no conflict of will, we know what we want, our conflict is power. And we know we can not a lot of stuff,
with Bible in hand or not. The obligations are ours, be called to judgment.
It means that women should not obey the Word? No, they do not. But ... Any help is welcome
They will not be brought to trial. They will suffer the consequences of bad choices, but no judgment to
them, for a simple reason, they know how to love. It is men who have forgotten this dimension of being.
Romantic love is, therefore, the construction of a female idea. It is useful, but it is still nonsense. And
it's almost a sentence to us, as a failure of our leadership and also the limitations that this love is. This
love does not project us to the real fight, but only for a bourguese complishment, appropriate to the
society, and in this sense it is a blessing, but its limits are real, you donít get anything beyond the
maintenance of a society without great spiritual ambitions.
Romantic love is love possible, but it should only exist as a consequence, never as a condition or
purpose. For it is sterile and self-absorbed. It became a female map to paradise, when it should be
only a minor balance of the true male leadership in working for redemption.
The woman fears that, without noticing, that any disruption of the above ideas, is only the presence
and action of evil, because she understands the spiritual mechanisms, but has, by destination, little
knowledge about these, because this is definitely not his calling . She urges man to do it, but without
much understanding and men are pretending to be stupid, but this deception is not free, they know
what is the price and refuse to pay.
So as to man, obedience to law is essential, as to woman, obedience to law is desirable. If the male
omission leads to the destruction, the feminine observation leads to the redemption of others. The
love of man is to follow the law, woman's love is"to force" men to fulfill the Law. In this sense, the
courtly love is more inspiring, but if romantic love is becoming anachronistic, what can be said of the
of the first?
Volition - coming home
Well, if you have come here and have not abandoned this text it is more likely that you have a lot of
questions (approval and disapproval of what is written) and may have asked the following question:
What do I do now? What remains for me?
First, there is something wonderful in the work of Yeshua, He provided the mechanism for forgiveness,
accepting His sacrifice is essential, you must change the schizophrenic way of approaching your past,
sometimes hiding in sorrow, sometimes justificating yourselto to allow the continuation of your
Next, itís over, just forget everything you've tried so far, it's time for repair. There is no easy way out
and there is no love without suffering. If you loved too much, and failed, now it is repentance and hope.
You roll up your sleeves and leave for the dirty work.
Making an inventory is good, how many times did you fall down? How many lovers were "lost"?
"Find them." Introduce them all to God, whom we should have always trusted the ones who we loved,
so that He makes what we canít , so that He makes perfectly whatís necessary to be ready for the
Forgiveness is essential (ABSOLUTELY do not expect anything without asking and granting
forgiveness) and, finally, seek the transformation, you failed because you wanted to get it right,
because it was apparently good, therefore, repent, but for love, take the yeast without removing the
Do not let what was true to be taken from you, because no lie is free from at least one truth. It's not
worth, sometimes, to want the "evil with the good", sometimes to despise the "evil with good." Do not
throw away the bathwater with the child.
What is yours, truly yours, will not be taken. Do not allow such a thing if there was a little love, no matter
how small, accept it as love, hold it as good, but that what is not good, throw it out, as soon as
possible, because time flies, if there are no wrinkles on your face, do not worry, they will come (and
rejoice with them). Time, again, is something we do not have.
Clean the pure from the impure, for the soul there is no past, the love of yesterday, of today and the
one that which will be discovered exists forever, waiting for the moment to be revealed to those who
After this inventory and forgiveness, the best way to love is prayer, not a prayer to save another, but to
save yourself from losing the ability to love. Love, as written, casts out fear, and fear has paralyzed us,
it is our tormentor, Yeshua will come back and say, " Is there love on the Earth?" A world in need of
transformation and redemption.
The purpose of all conflicts is to improve the love and hoping is imperative in this acting, the one who
loves can wait, the one who loves can wait, and, finally, remember, the one who loves, waits. Then wait
as long as it is necessary, a lot, all your years if necessary, wait on God the right answer, the
necessary transformation, the cleansing of your heart, wait for the the Goodness of the Lord.
Remember, your first marriage is to him, your loyalty is to Him, there is no genuine love without his
Recalling and summarizing ... To love not to receive, It is to give ... People are not interchangeable,
the worst a person can be and the best some other may be,Ö Consider the pain of the silent
witnesses ... Do not get into disputes ... Do not make affective embezzlementÖ Do not feed yourself
from the othersÖDo not "vampirize" ... Do not judge the others according to your contextsÖDo not
transfer pictures ... Do not fantasize or idealize the other, this is only human ...Do not deny affection,
for how difficult may the consequences be, but avoid the scandal ...The person who loves sees
perfection in the imperfection, and he likes this more than the virtues ... The person who loves always
Do not be ashamed to love or be loved ... Did you suffer? Rejoice, the person who loves suffers, that
attests for you .
In suffering there is transformation, in the end, you became better, do not let this be taken from you, do
not let the world and ts stupid advice take the victory of the transformation.
Well, it is not what we want, it is not the way we would like it to be, but it's what it is convenient in a
fallen world and this evil presence, evil which interferes in our essential and yet delicate spiritual
But, in fact, if there is something of value here, uniquely well written and that deserves all your
consideration, are the verses that head this text, 1 Corinthians 13, including the beginning of verse 8,
but purposely omitted from the top but transcribed belowÖ
ďlove never endsÖĒ
1 An example of this adjustment is the emancipation of women, needed after years of terrible
oppression, and also where all the repression of desire was cowardly, dishonest and unfair to the
account of them.
2 You can say it was the expansion of Jewish concepts (transcultural Judaism).
4 Do not think that itís little being bureaucratically married, the own arguments against the documents
attest to the difficulties. Note: If you belong to a church that prays for divorce papers be afraid, be very
5 Genesis 24, 67 and Gn 34. Here is the issue of temporal polygamy (or diachronic), in the line of be
eternal while is lasts. Being eternal, love overlaps
6 Lc 7, 43 e Rm 5, 20.
7 Lc 7, 43 e Rm 5, 20.
9 Is 56, 3 e Mt 19, 12.
10 Rm 12, 15.
Translated from Portuguese to English by Carlos Cavalcanti
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